SHITT!~

 I forgot what made me think of all that shit - I even put parts in the last post to fill in after *the ones in caps* lol so I look retared... so here is the quote

 Society in general isnt to fond of gays but we are still living our day to day life.

So this got me thinking of what I believe everyone can automatically assume about me and what they really do. I sometimes feel they can know more about me than they actually do. Like I sometimes think when meeting people they know I am insecure about my weight (despite not being very overweight by anymeans) and insecure about possibly being gay. Everytime my friends make a joke about one of us being gay and its my turn to get the joke I have to remember we joke about all of us the same and they arent joking now because they think im gay. 

(Quote from: My Double Life)

Anyway I hope I made some sense in either of these two posts, if not oh well maybe i should retire from blogging young.

Snow!!

Haha okay, so it is really late, and I am very drunk. I am writing this while squinting on eye shut to see only one screen lol. Tonight we had game night at a friends (beer pong, fuck the dealer, catch phrase, thumper and some zomba zomba game or something...?) and everyone got retarded. We have off tomorrow for a snow day (supposed to get a foot in like 8 hrs.). Regardless it was a good time.

So I was just reading one of the blogs I follow and a part of the post caught my attention and really made me think. The blog is BLANK by BLANK the quote is QUOTE.
The reason this quote makes me think so much is because I normally compare myself to what society thinks this type of person is or society thinks that this type of person is this. So I kind of take on societies view of gays, which I believe to be generally accepting but not necessarily including, and while not hateful somewhat doubtful/disbelieving. So anyway its because if I truly addmittied to myself that I was gay or could love a man it would also mean society would believe I was the gay; therefore I want to fuck every guy, I hit on every guy I can, I want to hear all of the girls gossip, I give really good advice, I drink fruity drinks only, I can't fight, I don't like sports, I like Lady GaGa and I have no body hair, I take it in the pooper and I love orgies. Now one, two or even three of these things might be true, but not all of them. I just feel like society will automatically assume those things about me before even finding anything out about me; before thay even know my name they will think that.

Anyway, thats just what I fear people will think of me and automatically assume before they get to know me and I believe that is the biggest reason why I can not even admit to myself that I could be gay....
Well... I hope I don't sound like a babbling psycho because thats what I think (drunkenly) and thats what I am afraid of. (or so drunk me thinks)

I forgot some things!!!

Haha, so I just finished posting and I remembered a few more things I wanted to talk about. Ohh and I found a post that I relate to a lot on another blog.

First the blog post. Which is from My Not So Straight Adventures.

Second is the Super Bowl! I don't know how I forgot about this. I took off from work and I can't wait for the game. I got in on a pool at work, spent $40 on 4 boxes. I can win $125 for the 1st quarter, $250 for half, $125 for the 3rd quarter and $500 for game score. So that gives me some added excitement for the game, I am just hoping I get some good numbers. Now as for who I want to win, lets go Green Bay. Rodgers was my fantasy QB all year long and let me just say, he didn't disappoint. Plus I don't really like the Stealers, other than Santanio Holmes who is now a Jet and Troy Polamalu.

Ok, I think that was it lol...

January 31st

Okay, so it is Sunday night (Monday morning to be exact) and I have a ton of things running through my mind.  So I'm here to jot some of them down.

1. Well first tonight at work sucked. I mean it wasn't a bad night it just dragged on. Anyway to protect my anonymity for now I am not going to really go into this. If anyone I know saw this it would be a dead give-away.

2. I am really happy that White Collar has started back up again. It's a sick show and I really like the intelligent crime that goes on in it as opposed to some of the other shows on T.V. - Ohh and Neil Caffrey the main character is in real life,  Matthew Bomer. (With a little digging there are pictures of Matt making out with a boyfriend)


3.  My internet has sucked lately and it is really beginning to piss me off. I pay for highspeed plus an extra charge for turbo on top and it has been taking me forever to load pages the past two days. I am going to restart the router tomorrow and hopefully that takes care of the speed issue. When I played xbox today it was unbearably laggy.

4.  School, gah... I have a ton of reading to do tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday its not funny (about 6 text book chapters, plus some online home-works and a small book to boot). Surprisingly though,  I'm not dreading it - I'm not specifically looking forward to it but I know its necessary and I'm not going to just blow it off like I would of done these past two years. This is the first semester so far since college started I am actually working to somewhere around my potential as far as school goes.

5. With doing better in school, plus working quite a bit leads to inevitable social repercussions. I have always been one to be a group of several social circles. I also tend to keep these circles somewhat separate, I don't know why I just always have. So anyway, the one social circle I was very active in and a big part of last year I have almost completely removed myself from. I honestly don't know why I have either. I really enjoyed this group of people last year and enjoyed the work I did with them and loved the times I spent with them all away from that work. (It was a student organization that often went out/had parties together). I am more active in my group from freshmen year again, though not nearly as much as freshmen year and only a little more active than I was with them last year. I find myself to be working and focusing on school more and I have less energy for social things, I'd rather stay in most nights to be honest.

5a. So I feel like a lot of me being less active in my social circles has to do with my self confidence. I gained about 25 lbs this summer and I really feel like I feel awful. I am a lot heavier and look a lot bigger with those 25 lbs. That is why I am going to be starting up going to the gym again soon. I wrestled in high school so I was in good physical shape for almost all of high school. I was in amazing shape leaving SR. year. Freshmen year I gained some weight and realized just how big I was getting. (about 10-12lbs shy of where I am now) At this time I felt huge so I feel much worse now.  I have always felt much more comfortable with people at lower weights, I don't know why but it is just how I've always been. So after freshmen year I worked out a ton and got back to the shape I was in Sr. year of high school (picture below). Hence, my very full social year last year. Now that I have gained so much weight I feel very insecure and hence forth I don't feel as comfortable with myself. So - its gym time again, and I want to look better than in H.S. - I'd like to do it by the middle of the summer. It is going to take a lot of work - but once I get into the swing of things I am confident I will do it. If it is one thing killing myself all through H.S. wrestling was worth its the ability to have a pretty strong drive to get into shape and push myself after I have started.

After Sr. year wrestling. (160lbs)

6. So I think that after I get back into shape will be a good time to really fully explore my sexuality. I am slowly starting to admit to myself that I may be gay, and I don't believe I can ever do that until I get back into shape. Hence forth I will feel better about myself, and find it easier again to talk to girls. Plus I will feel better about my body so I may enjoy sex more with girls because I will be feeling more confident. Or, I may feel the same way I am starting to admit to myself as feeling now. If that is true then I will be ready to accept that I am gay and then begin to come out/ figure out what to do next. I guess this is pretty complicated and stupid sounding, but it is what I need to do before I can let myself live being gay and not regret it. I don't mean to make being gay sound like its a bad thing, its just not something I really ever pictured myself as and I need time to accept it if I find its true. I must sound really indecisive and stupid, but thats how I feel and I can't change that.

7. Sorry this was so long tonight - I wasn't expecting to write this much either. I hope this didn't scare any potential readers off, I was pretty deep in my own head tonight so a lot of this probably doesn't make sense, sorry lol. Ohh and PS - I'd like to get to about this type of shape by mid summer. (See Below)

- :) Goodnight all!

Update Time?

Sorry!!! I haven't updated this thing in a while now, so I figured I'd come on and jot down some of my thoughts. Well, school has started and it is taking up a good amount of my time, couple that with work and I only have a handful of hours a week for myself. I've been slacking on the gym so Monday I will be starting that back up again. I haven't been going out as much this semester as I have in the past, and I am actually enjoying staying in and just refreshing myself instead of going out and wearing myself out more all the time.

So I have been very confused lately. I know I like guys and I am pretty sure I like girls. Basically what I am trying to say is I am not ready to write girls off yet. I have had sex with 5 on only a handful of occasions and I think more is in order before I can say I am not interested in girls. (I am going to have to go through my posts and see what I've talked about already and then write on big "History" post)

Even though I haven't posted much yet I feel like the majority of what I have posted is a bunch of rambling; so I am going to try and clean up the way I write on here in future posts. Sorry for the short/chaotic kind of post, I just wanted to get on here and write something since I haven't in a while. I am going to start keeping up with this every few days so you better get used to me, lol.

Tminus 3 days

School starts again in 3 days. I picked up another class; so this semester is going to be a tad bit more stressful than it otherwise would of been. I'm excited for classes to start again though - it is nice to start off fresh in a bunch of new classes - hopefully I start off right. I'm pretty shot worked all night so I will probably just watch some t.v and hit the sack in a little while.

Later.
SFC

New Sleep Habits

Okay, so before this new semester starts I really need to get myself into a better sleeping cycle.  For the past two or so weeks I have not gone to bed before 3am, it sucks especially because the earliest I wake up then is around 9:45....and that is only if I have work.

Anyway, this coming semester is going to be byfar my hardest yet. I will be taking 6 classes only one below 330 level, and that is an accounting class. I haven't been what you could call the most studious of students over the last two and a half years so I am seriously running out of time to turn my GPA around.

In high school I had it easy. I had a 94 average without ever studying or doing any extra work. Just going to class and listening did it for me. I got upper 90's on my regents tests, took 4 AP's and did well on my SAT and great on my ACT; and then I went to college.


At first I just tried to do the same thing I did in HS, and after my first semester I got a mediocre 3.02 GPA. It was okay for a first semester student but since then I have done nothing to try to improve this GPA, I don't do readings unless I really really need to - I don't study until the night before. Even when I do study its only for a few hours and I do homework if I am lucky enough to remember in time to do it. Now going into my second semester Jr. year my GPA is a terrible 2.25. I never thought I'd be the kid with a bad GPA, its shocking to me - but I know exactly why and how I got to where I am.

Over this next semester I am going to try very hard to start up some new habits. Firstly, I am going to get into a set sleeping pattern during the week - basically I am giving myself a bedtime. I am also going to go to the gym Monday-Thursday - this should not only help get me back into shape but also gain some confidence I used to have but seem to be lacking as of late. I am also going to work very hard at getting all my assignments done as soon as I can. After looking over some of my course syllabus's I must say if I don't do this I am doomed. I have some lengthy breaks between classes this semester so those will be used to visit the Office of Career Services as well as study, reread notes, do homework and get ahead in my classes. I am planning one hell of a semester, hopefully it works out.

Now I know that before I graduate (3 semesters + 1 summer term) there is not much a 2.25 GPA can be brought up. In fact to get a 2.25 GPA up to a 3.0 I think I'd need almost all 4.0's over these terms/semesters. That is nearly impossible, especially for someone like me who works, volunteers and also likes to socialize with friends over the weekends. So, I am abandoning my GPA, the only thing I really care about from here on out is getting a job. How can you do that with such a shitty GPA? Well it wont be easy but the GPA isn't the end all. I have a pretty solid resume, better than average customer service and people skills (or so I'd like to believe); and if I do what I say I will do then I will be able to show an amazing improvement for my last three semesters. That improvement is what I will rely on to show potential employers that I figured my shit out and got serious.

So anyway I am still optimistic and I have a ton of goals and dreams I am confident that (despite fucking up the first two years of school) I will still accomplish.