January 31st

Okay, so it is Sunday night (Monday morning to be exact) and I have a ton of things running through my mind.  So I'm here to jot some of them down.

1. Well first tonight at work sucked. I mean it wasn't a bad night it just dragged on. Anyway to protect my anonymity for now I am not going to really go into this. If anyone I know saw this it would be a dead give-away.

2. I am really happy that White Collar has started back up again. It's a sick show and I really like the intelligent crime that goes on in it as opposed to some of the other shows on T.V. - Ohh and Neil Caffrey the main character is in real life,  Matthew Bomer. (With a little digging there are pictures of Matt making out with a boyfriend)


3.  My internet has sucked lately and it is really beginning to piss me off. I pay for highspeed plus an extra charge for turbo on top and it has been taking me forever to load pages the past two days. I am going to restart the router tomorrow and hopefully that takes care of the speed issue. When I played xbox today it was unbearably laggy.

4.  School, gah... I have a ton of reading to do tomorrow, Tuesday and Wednesday its not funny (about 6 text book chapters, plus some online home-works and a small book to boot). Surprisingly though,  I'm not dreading it - I'm not specifically looking forward to it but I know its necessary and I'm not going to just blow it off like I would of done these past two years. This is the first semester so far since college started I am actually working to somewhere around my potential as far as school goes.

5. With doing better in school, plus working quite a bit leads to inevitable social repercussions. I have always been one to be a group of several social circles. I also tend to keep these circles somewhat separate, I don't know why I just always have. So anyway, the one social circle I was very active in and a big part of last year I have almost completely removed myself from. I honestly don't know why I have either. I really enjoyed this group of people last year and enjoyed the work I did with them and loved the times I spent with them all away from that work. (It was a student organization that often went out/had parties together). I am more active in my group from freshmen year again, though not nearly as much as freshmen year and only a little more active than I was with them last year. I find myself to be working and focusing on school more and I have less energy for social things, I'd rather stay in most nights to be honest.

5a. So I feel like a lot of me being less active in my social circles has to do with my self confidence. I gained about 25 lbs this summer and I really feel like I feel awful. I am a lot heavier and look a lot bigger with those 25 lbs. That is why I am going to be starting up going to the gym again soon. I wrestled in high school so I was in good physical shape for almost all of high school. I was in amazing shape leaving SR. year. Freshmen year I gained some weight and realized just how big I was getting. (about 10-12lbs shy of where I am now) At this time I felt huge so I feel much worse now.  I have always felt much more comfortable with people at lower weights, I don't know why but it is just how I've always been. So after freshmen year I worked out a ton and got back to the shape I was in Sr. year of high school (picture below). Hence, my very full social year last year. Now that I have gained so much weight I feel very insecure and hence forth I don't feel as comfortable with myself. So - its gym time again, and I want to look better than in H.S. - I'd like to do it by the middle of the summer. It is going to take a lot of work - but once I get into the swing of things I am confident I will do it. If it is one thing killing myself all through H.S. wrestling was worth its the ability to have a pretty strong drive to get into shape and push myself after I have started.

After Sr. year wrestling. (160lbs)

6. So I think that after I get back into shape will be a good time to really fully explore my sexuality. I am slowly starting to admit to myself that I may be gay, and I don't believe I can ever do that until I get back into shape. Hence forth I will feel better about myself, and find it easier again to talk to girls. Plus I will feel better about my body so I may enjoy sex more with girls because I will be feeling more confident. Or, I may feel the same way I am starting to admit to myself as feeling now. If that is true then I will be ready to accept that I am gay and then begin to come out/ figure out what to do next. I guess this is pretty complicated and stupid sounding, but it is what I need to do before I can let myself live being gay and not regret it. I don't mean to make being gay sound like its a bad thing, its just not something I really ever pictured myself as and I need time to accept it if I find its true. I must sound really indecisive and stupid, but thats how I feel and I can't change that.

7. Sorry this was so long tonight - I wasn't expecting to write this much either. I hope this didn't scare any potential readers off, I was pretty deep in my own head tonight so a lot of this probably doesn't make sense, sorry lol. Ohh and PS - I'd like to get to about this type of shape by mid summer. (See Below)

- :) Goodnight all!